11 Things Women Won't Tell You (and probably why I am divorced)

Editor's note: Some personal thoughts will slip into this list so rants are impossible to avoid.

1. Everything a woman buys for herself – from shoes to skirts and even shampoo – really costs 20 percent more than she tells you. (Nice to know "trust" is doomed in every relationship.)

2. She actually thinks about sex -- with you -- a lot. It's just that by the end of the day she's too tired to do anything about it. (Then just lay there. Not like you do much during anyway!!!)

3. She is just as nervous about commitment as you are. (Why? I'm the one who is going to suffer.)

4. She may be modern and independent, but she still wants you to be "the man." (Proof all women are schizophrenic.)

5. Her ex-boyfriends were not completely terrible in bed. (Are you saying she wasn't a virgin? That lying c**t!!!)

6. She is scared she will turn into her mother. So the worst insult you can throw at a woman you love is, “You’re acting just like your mother.” (Insult? It was the truth!!! Only difference was her mother loved me.)

7. She wants you to be jealous – but just a little bit. (Make up your mind! Do I punch the guy out or tell him to have you home by midnight?)

8. Yes, she fantasizes about hot celebrity guys, but that doesn’t mean she wants you to be one of them. (Is that why we had sex with the lights out?)

9. She tells her girlfriends more than she will ever admit to you but less than you fear. (I have video to the contrary.)

10. She really does notice and appreciate all the chores you do though she won't admit it. (No sex. No thank you. And men are the savages in a relationship? Bull shit! Take out your own trash till you throw a pity fuck my way.)

11. She loves you with all her heart, but she still gets wistful about the fact that she'll never feel that falling-in-love sizzle and spark again. (Blame #2 for the lack of sizzle and spark.)