Have you ever met someone for the first time and the only thought that pops into your mind is, "I wonder what they would look like with my fist through their head?"
Or maybe watching television on a warm Saturday afternoon when you notice the face of someone who, deep down somewhere in your heart, you feel needs a good fist facial?
My personal favorite is when I am out at a bar trying to drown my sorrows in some quality Jack Daniels, when I hear a voice that makes me want to smash a bottle over my own head. And then smash their head on the bar like Jon Lovitz did to Andy Dick.
Since Andy Dick has already been handled by Jon for me, I began thinking while I was drinking (as many times I do), and in my enlightened state I came up with a list of 5 people who I would love to puch in the face.
It was hard to narrow it down to just 5 because, honestly, there are lots of people who I feel deserve a five fingered sandwich in the kisser, but these top 5 are the only ones I would be willing to do some jail time over. They are in no particular order because when it comes to punishing faces, everyone gets it evenly.
1. Barry Bonds
Did anybody else remember what this guy used to look like? The picture above will help refresh anyone's memory who might have forgotten. Watch me transform as I go from a literal bobble head man body to the Baseball Hulk. GTFOH
Come on Mr. Bonds, you are seriously becoming the poster boy for everything that is wrong with today's new breed of professional athletes. Either they are shooting up (steroids), shooting up (clubs), or shooting up (salary demands).
Bonds is crazy because he still insists that he took no steroids. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, BARRY!! Oh yeah, just like Vince McMahon isn't running Roid Rage Rehersal Theater (otherwise known as the WWE) every Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday. I am confident that me turning his teeth into bloody Chiclets will help to solve his problem of forgetting what he has stuck in his ass lately.
2. Paris Hilton
Whenever I see Paris, I always want to punch her in her GED having, corrupting young female minds, too much money having mouth.
At the same time I also want to fuck her around my house like a wheelbarrel, and then punch her in the face. I am torn between boning her first and then punching her, or punching her first and then boning her.
After seeing her sex tape, I would probably have to save the punching until after she finished my meat pole, unless she answers the phone in the middle of our encounter, then she gets a quick jab to the nose.
It isn't even that she looks really good or anything like that (Lindsay seems more my style - A let's get drunk and "fool around" kinda girl), it's just she would be the richest pussy that I ever had, and probably ever would have the pleasure to smell. I heard through the grapevine that rich coochie smells like opening a brand new Hermès "Birkin" bag. Sweet.
She gets punched because anyone who is 26 years young, acts like a 13 year old with a driver's license and a credit card, and get paid to teach girls to act like stupid whores, should suck down some teeth - promptly. If public stoning is still banned in America, then this is the best we can do. And she has herpes. Ewwwww!!
3. Dick Cheney
Some people might wonder why President Bush isn't in this position. Well, simply put, our President is not too bright, and punching him in the grill is like punching a retarded person. It's funny at first, but when you are alone at your house a few weeks later, you start to feel really bad about it.
Only in America, (to quote everyone's favorite murderer Don King) can you shoot someone in the face and then claim self defense.
Only in America can you be the Vice President of our country and shoot someone in the face and then claim you thought he was a quail.
Only in America can you tell your co-workers to "Go Fuck Yourself" and know that the next day you will have to face the consequences of your actions.
Only in America can you be the second most powerful man in the world and tell someone you are debating with in an open forum to "Go Fuck Yourself" and know that no matter what, you have the media at your fingertips (who will spin the story into obscurity).
Only in America did I learn that the best way to knock people off of their pedestals is to punch their glasses into the back of their heads so they can see things from a different perspective. Go Liberty!!
4. Elmo
Of all the Seasame Street characters that became popular over the years, this demon-crazed character deserves to be pummeled until the stuffing pours out of him like white, fluffy blood. If anyone has ever seen a Tickle Me Elmo doll then you know exactly what I am talking about. Please children molest me so I can have an epileptic seizure and giggle. I mean come on, Elmo is ticklish in some very inappropriate areas and honestly acts like he is possessed when he gets touched. The fact that he teaches our children that if anyone ever starts "tickling" them in odd areas, the best thing to do is fall on the floor shaking and laughing psychotically with a maniacal grin on their faces, deserves a beating alone.
To top that though, Elmo talks in fucking third person. If that isn't the creepiest shit I have ever heard from a puppet, I don't know what is. There are only a few people in this world who talk about themselves in third person, and one of them is Mr. Rv"You under the age of 16" Kelly. That is not good company, Elmo. Since you are one of the people responsible for teaching our pre-teens new and exciting things about this crazy thing we call life before they get corrupted by the poisons that are called the Public School system, you get to catch a beat down, Mr. Elmo. Because Morris doesn't like stupid crazy epileptic puppets.
5. Dale Earnhardt Jr
When was it ever cool to drive around in a circle? Oh yeah, it never had been cool. I hate the fact that he makes millions of dollars for driving in a left hand turn. Seriously, thank you confederate states for this homage to the prohibition days. I can think of nothing I would rather do than watch cars drive around. In a circle. For 5 hours. Yippie.
I mean, have we collectively gotten dumber and dumber as the years have gone by? The answer is yes, we have. And Dale Jr is responsible for that. Somebody tell this guy that he can drive around anywhere in a fancy car and attract women like flies. You don't have to take up valuable TV time just so you can get some pussy in every town you stop at.
I have gotten tricked several times (like I know many of you have as well) by turning on FOX thinking I will be getting some refreshingly coarse Simpsons or Family Guy banter, only to be subjected to hours upon hours of the Neverending Circle.
Why can't he do something that helps society, like being a taxi driver in New York or Philly, or maybe being a school bus driver? Because he is a twat, that's why. And I need to show that twat who's boss with a simple 3 hit dark. What is a 3 hit dark, you ask? 1st hit he throws up his arms. 2nd hit he turns his head. 3rd hit the lights go out for Mr. Earnhardt Jr.
Fucking twat.
Honorable Mentions
- Whoever created Pepsi tapwater, AKA Aquafina
- Bill Gates because he is Bill Gates, dammit!
- Jesse Jackson: you went from relevant to Rainbow Coalition...WTF!
- Michael Irving because cocaine is a helluva drug
- NASA...drunk astronauts huh...but no driving drunk? GTFOH
That concludes my list of people who deserve to be punched in the face by me. I know there are a lot of other people who deserve to be on here, but it would take forever to list 'em. There is probably someone who deserves to be hit who is reading over your shoulder right now. So give 'em what they need.
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