Safety in Satanism

In the interest of safety for myself and others, I think I'm going to become a Satanist.

Think about it: In this day and age of Jews killing Muslims, Muslims killing Jews, abortion clinics bombed by Christians, and Christians being arrested in China, it seems that the safest faith to have is in the Dark Deceiver himself.

When was the last time you heard about a group of Satanists kidnapping people or strapping bombs to themselves? I mean, once in a while you'll hear about a misguided teen with an unhealthy interest in occult practices who becomes involved in a serious graffiti incident, but for the most part, Satanists are just keeping to themselves and keeping out of trouble.

Considering the significant trouble caused by Christians, Muslims, and Jews, it's odd that schools and communities always label the Satanist kids as at risk teens. You'd think it would be the other way around. Sure, the kid with the pentagram necklace may draw on the cafeteria table with a sharpie, but he's not going to grow up to wear dynamite leg-warmers on a bus full of people.

Going the Satanist route honestly seems pretty harmless. Besides needing to sacrifice a baby goat once in a while or organize an occasional Black Mass Orgy, the expectations are relatively low and the rewards are plenty. Check it out-- as a Satanist, I:

Get to sleep in on Saturday and Sunday mornings
Don't have to involve myself in a physical or spiritual jihad
Don't have to proselytize and stir the turd with everyone
Can eat bacon and put cheese on my burger
Can listen to all the Rock N' Roll I want
Don't have to be terrified of sex or disgusted with my body


I could go on, but you get the idea. Who's with me on this? Maybe we could give Anton LeVey a call and see if there's a nice local SatanistChurch in the area. If not, we could meet at my house. Or we could just take a Ouija board over to the bar and grab a beer or something. Whatever.