Know and Love Your Asshole

In any group there are three kinds of people: The leader, the follower and the asshole. It never fails and try as you might, no group will be successful without all three elements present.

The leader leads, the follower follows, and the asshole questions the leader and antagonizes the follower. All three factions are crucial to the dynamics of any group. Without the asshole, the leader wouldn't conquer the little challenges such as keeping a group together, while the follower wouldn't learn to stand up and solve an issue on their own. Assholes truly are a needed commodity in the world. Unfortunately for the group, the job of an asshole is to be an asshole. Trust me; it's not as easy as people may think. We've got a tough job despite it being only a single track agenda. I was told as a child that I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up, so I became an asshole. It's a thankless job, and it's not easy to fill the shoes of a good asshole. We're often ostracized from "normal" social groups for being too ‘verb adjective', but – that's what we do. We are also painfully undervalued. Be that as it may, I feel it is my duty to try and shed light on the two distinct breeds of assholes.

Think of this as my way of saying that your today sucks, but that doesn't mean my tomorrow has to.

A good asshole will always have:

A sense of humor.

A good asshole can make almost anything funny, even jokes about themselves. However, making anything funny isn't enough; they've got to know when it's appropriate to make something funny and when to plain shut up. If someone asks "Do these pants make me look fat?", the good asshole will respond with a light hearted "No.", give a pregnant pause and follow up with "The fat makes you look fat." The bad asshole will simply reply with a "yes." It would have been better to say nothing because "yes" isn't funny.

Someone to kick when they are down.

Often times we come across someone who is having a bad day. The good asshole will remind their victim that certain aspects of their life sucks or that, despite various other achievements, there is one irritating challenge not yet met.

This can be best seen in the "Do these pants make me look fat?" question where their victim obviously has concern about their weight and it is likely that this is the unmet challenge.

A bad asshole will devalue the achievements already attained by their victim or make a general statement about the status of various elements in their victim's life to a degree of being downright ugly (which, from a 3rd person perspective, is funny to a good asshole).

Someone to remind them that they are an asshole.

All assholes know they are an asshole. They're told this religiously, but a good asshole needs to be encouraged to continue to be a good asshole, or they go bad very quickly. Good assholes love to make someone laugh (though often it is themselves who laugh). As such, assholes are in their own rights attention whores – narcissistic attention whores, but attention whores nonetheless. It is important to note that the reminders given to assholes must be gentle.

Assholes can take being treated accordingly, but nagging an asshole about being an asshole does one of two things: Makes them a bad asshole or makes them a follower. On the same token, forgetting to remind the asshole that they are about to miss a perfect moment to be an asshole will confuse and dilute the asshole into becoming a mindless drone.

Trust me when I say this – the only thing worse than a bad asshole is an ex-asshole. They're unfunny with horrible timing and really bad taste. They strive for a level of excellence that they'll never achieve – like the 70-year old grandma who still lives in her whoring glory days by wearing a Limited Too ensemble to the grocery store. You know the deal - sports bra that supports... nothing, "hooker red" lipstick that serves to only accentuate the unique hue of antique yellow her teeth have become, 6 months overdue for a re-dye red hair in an 80's coiffe/bouffant thing, a tattoo of what I'm guessing was a baby that now looks like a tattoo of Edvard Munch's "The Scream," spray tanned leather covering she calls "skin," and booty shorts that say "juicy" which are loosely draped over the ass yet is somehow shoved up it as if to indicate that her ass was eating the shorts.

Intelligence and Self Control.

A good asshole has some degree of intelligence. People love to hate the smart asses, but their points are generally well founded. It happens to be that their means of delivery can seem sophomoric and infantile with respect to the topic. People will laugh with the good asshole or smart ass, whereas they'll laugh at the dumbass bad asshole or not at all. Thus, the dumbass counters the point of pimping themselves out for the laugh of the crowd.

I have never heard anyone say, "What's this guy doing here, he's such a smartass."

I have heard people say, "What's this guy doing here, he's such a dumbass."

Furthermore, a good asshole won't be too much of an asshole with the wrong issues or will refrain from being an asshole altogether. Good assholes know when it's time to be an asshole. Bad assholes do not.

A sense of self worth.

This can be best summed up as "Poor planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on mine." One might also infer that when comparing the good and bad asshole, it is akin to the comparison of a geisha and a butterfly girl; the geisha gets respect although she in essence is a whore, while the other gets no respect and is also a whore.

A good asshole will know when it is inappropriate to whore themselves out for the laugh. An ugly baby is funny, while a dead baby isn't.

The bad asshole will try to make them both funny at exactly the wrong time, while the good asshole will make only the former funny at the right time.

Effective time management

Assholes, good and bad alike, know the value of their time and in general are great people to go to when you have time management issues. This isn't to say that the price of consultation isn't light, or that you'll like their solution, but it is to say that the good asshole will manage your time effectively to get the most from and for you. While the bad asshole also manages time effectively, they'll simply tell you to go away as a form of better managing their own time by not wasting it on you. In short, at least the good asshole will help you.

So, next time you run into a good asshole, be sure to let them know that they're doing a good job of being an asshole by calling them an asshole. They'll be an asshole to you for it, but you deserve it.