11 Things Women Won't Tell You (and probably why I am divorced)

Editor's note: Some personal thoughts will slip into this list so rants are impossible to avoid.

1. Everything a woman buys for herself – from shoes to skirts and even shampoo – really costs 20 percent more than she tells you. (Nice to know "trust" is doomed in every relationship.)

2. She actually thinks about sex -- with you -- a lot. It's just that by the end of the day she's too tired to do anything about it. (Then just lay there. Not like you do much during anyway!!!)

3. She is just as nervous about commitment as you are. (Why? I'm the one who is going to suffer.)

4. She may be modern and independent, but she still wants you to be "the man." (Proof all women are schizophrenic.)

5. Her ex-boyfriends were not completely terrible in bed. (Are you saying she wasn't a virgin? That lying c**t!!!)

6. She is scared she will turn into her mother. So the worst insult you can throw at a woman you love is, “You’re acting just like your mother.” (Insult? It was the truth!!! Only difference was her mother loved me.)

7. She wants you to be jealous – but just a little bit. (Make up your mind! Do I punch the guy out or tell him to have you home by midnight?)

8. Yes, she fantasizes about hot celebrity guys, but that doesn’t mean she wants you to be one of them. (Is that why we had sex with the lights out?)

9. She tells her girlfriends more than she will ever admit to you but less than you fear. (I have video to the contrary.)

10. She really does notice and appreciate all the chores you do though she won't admit it. (No sex. No thank you. And men are the savages in a relationship? Bull shit! Take out your own trash till you throw a pity fuck my way.)

11. She loves you with all her heart, but she still gets wistful about the fact that she'll never feel that falling-in-love sizzle and spark again. (Blame #2 for the lack of sizzle and spark.)

The Things I've Done for Love

To read through these posts, you'd think I wasn't a romantic. Well boys and girl (even the belief of one woman reading this is stretching reality), I have done some wild things in the name of love. Let's mark off a few shall we, in ever ascending insane order:

- Bought a dozen roses for one on Valentine's Day complete with a self-written poem. The girl never appreciated the effort though I was told that quite a few of her dormmates were clamoring for my number.

- Stayed behind rather than go to a party so that I could cheer up this one girl who was having a hard time. The downside: there was a girl at the party who actually wanted to have sex with me, no strings attached. No strings! NONE! And what do I do? I stay behind to console this one girl. Result. She felt better. Me? I'm still numb from the waist down.

- Danced with one girl's ugly friend in order to prove I was sympathetic to said friend being ignored by every other guy at the dance. If you saw her you'd know why. Nothing is freakier than dancing with a clown who has a crude scar across her cheek. I swear that to you! The result: the girl felt it would be wrong to date since the friend ended up liking me. Doh!

- Joined the soccer team. I didn't get the girl, but I did manage to run a two mile in 13 minutes. Wanna see the calves?

- Went to a nightclub, on girls' night, only to end up in a brawl in the parking lot. The best part? Some guy punching through the car window and cutting up the entire side of my face. Yeah, I saw no action that night!

- Tutored a girl all semester, took her phone calls late at night throughout that semester whenever she felt depressed (which was often), listened to her problems, helped her get her life together, did a few drama productions so that I could be "involved" in the same activities as she was (I really liked being around her), only to see her go back to her ex-boyfriend who was a total ass. That's right. AN ASS!

- Made a big deal out of letting one lass know I cared about her by making an ass out of myself and recording it on video before playing it across the school announcement system. Yeah, I was popular for doing it. No, she didn't appreciate it.

- Went without sleep for over two months in order to talk to one lovely lady (sarcasm unheard due to typing rather than saying). She lived in a time zone twelve hours ahead of mine. Plus, to make things really interesting, I had to be up days but the only time I could talk to her were nights. Well, to show I "cared" about the travails she was going through halfway across the globe, I'd be up talking to her either on the phone or on the net. Yeah, I wasn't all there by the end of the relationship when, clingy as she was, she began to fall apart as I distanced our talks from daily to weekly in order to function (I actually blacked out during a drive home and woke up stopped at a red light five miles later!). I do draw the weird ones. She tried to emotionally blackmail me by saying how depressed she was when I curtailed our talks and then, at least one of her co-workers told me, she tried to kill herself by walking in front of a car. Yeah, that was over!

- Became an officer in the U.S. Army believing that would draw women to me. Result? Fond memories as well as an honorary discharge after two years (whole other story). Downside? Well, I'm single aren't I?!?!

- Flew to South Africa to meet one girl I'd only talked to online in order to see if things would work out. They actually went pretty well. I did marry her, on South African television no less! Of course, five years after that we divorced. Her excuse: she was too young to be married. Yeah, I don't know if that should make me feel old (28) since I don't feel too young for matrimony or view her as selfish beyond belief.

There are many more, but I think I've scarred you all enough with these tidbits. I know, how can I be alone? Everytime I ask myself that question I can only think of one answer: God has a sick sense of humor.