"It was bound to happen sooner or later," an anonymous cherub in Heaven's administration was quoted as saying in relation to the current public relations debacle facing Paradise.
The controversy surrounds what Heaven has dubbed, "an illegal eviction of an apparition."
Matthew Ford, the mortal being charged with the offense, says, "Things have gotten completely out of hand."
Upset with a ghost who has been haunting his house for years, Matthew finally decided to kick the wraith out of the property. "It wasn't paying rent or utilities," Matthew stated.
A spokesman for Jesus gave an official statement on Heaven's view of the situation: "According to the laws of Existence, only God or a recognized official of said Supreme Being may remove an entity from a property through the process of exorcism."
Matthew Ford claimed the process was taking too long. "The local church wouldn't even hear me on the case. They kept saying they had better things to do."
The case itself is shaping up to threaten major changes in law structure of Existence. Matthew Ford's attorney is challenging the case on the grounds of intimidation, improper oversight, and discrimination.
"Since God's stroke in 33 AD, which rendered him invalid and incapable of continuing in his office as Lord of Heaven, Jesus has been in power and under his watch Heaven has simply not enforced any of the rules," Ford's attorney stated. "He has outsourced many important Heavenly positions as well as hasn't had a cohesive general policy in 2000 years. What we have here is a bloated bureaucracy of clerics, priests, and reverends who are all taking our tithings and contributions and then not fulfilling their spiritual duties. When was the last time we received a miracle? What about a sitdown with either Jesus or God? This is corruption on a grand scale.
"The only reason Jesus is after my client is to make an example of him. Society is leaving him behind. The world is no longer a kingdom but a series of republics with no want of a King of Kings. We use medicine to heal, science to grow, and agriculture to feed ourselves. The Christ simply isn't part of the current order. It is only now that he is trying to enforce an archaic set of laws which should have been voided long ago."
But this case has been far from civil. A nasty set of acts has befallen both sides as the case heats up. Jesus has supposedly inflicted plagues upon Matthew in order to force him to submit to his will. In retaliation, Matthew has effectively dubbed himself the Anti-Christ and is attempting to dismantle Christian authority through grass roots activism.
A book on the case has found a publisher and should be on shelves this year. Titled "Anti-Christ: A Satirical End of Days", many critics are already claiming it may be biggest book of 2007. One can only wonder.
No comments:
Post a Comment