Corruption in Heaven

Recently uncovered papers from the Kingdom of Heaven have revealed grave incompetency in the creation and execution of Existence.

Matthew Moses came across these papers while compiling information on the history and future of Creation for his book, Anti-Christ: A Satirical End of Days. What he discovered was staggering.

It seems that God had crafted only a single draft for Creation, failing to revise uncovered errors or to seek out the professional opinions of others before setting out on what was history's greatest project. Claims that "professional had not yet been created so how could their opinions be sought" have been rejected by the administration's critics.

"This administration knowingly began a flawed policy, refusing to correct deficiencies in construction or to adapt policy to growing concerns as to the continual survival of said project," said renowned Heavenly adversary, Satan.

Satan continued, "God is nothing more than a despot unwilling to listen to the will of the people. Continually he has followed a path that has led to grave destruction, suffering, and repeated warnings of collapse. Has he not read the various Armageddon scenarios? Something has to be done. Impeachment is growing as a fine option."

God could not be reached for comment, but his spokesman, Pope Benedict XVI had this to say: "If you don't like Heavenly policy, then you can go to Hell."


The problems cited in the revealed documents concerning Creation are numerous. First and foremost was the creation of the Void, known by the common term as Space. Rumors of corrupt suppliers not delivering enough materials to build a single, coherent universe have been blamed.

Construction itself has likewise proven shoddy. Unstable stars going supernova, planets either uninhabitable or unstable, highly destructive meteorites, and black holes have all been shown of examples.

Life itself has been shown to have been conceived incomplete. Various failed models exist upon the Earth surrounding God's final selection, Man. None hold the grace or perfection of Heaven's previous efforts. In fact, Life's workmanship is crude and fragile.

Many have claimed that God did not even finish the project, taking off the final day rather than completing his duties as Almighty Father.

The difficulty of communication between Heaven and Earth has led to many mistakes in continuing policy. Human sacrifice was one error blamed on a miscommunication. "God meant sacrifice oneself spiritually, not one's neighbor physically," the Pope has stated.

With communication difficult, God's unwillingness to step up and lead, and no coherent agenda, various factions emerged in the leadership of Earth. These factions led to cultures which developed not only differing policy initiatives but languages and views. Quite a bit of infighting has resulted.

It was rumored that God decided to simply scrap the entire project to either start again or simply abandon it altogether. Of course, due to various reforms in Heaven leading to the establishment of a legislature (due to the Treaty of the Firmament signed after the rebellion and civil war between God and Satan), action proved half-hearted and difficult (neither God nor Congress agreeing on a set decision) resulting in the controversial step of wiping out all Life on Earth save for selected mortal representatives who were meant to carry out a policy to be decided on later. Squabbles between Congress and God have prevented any sort of policy to as yet be ratified.

God was then accused of overstepping his boundaries as Executive by going straight to humanity and dictating Earthly policy without the consent of Congress. This led to Congress likewise reaching out to elements considered heretical to counter growing executive power leading to counterviews on religious belief and doctrine. All of this infighting led to eventual paralysis of the Heavenly administration as Congress and God began to launch Holy Wars upon one another.

Eventually, a reconciliation was sought between God and Congress. Talks began and led, finally, to some progress on setting future policy. Jesus, Heaven's ambassador to Earth, descended to give these policies to humanity. It was quickly rejected out of hand by most of Earth's inhabitants.

Humanity protested against what they saw as an administration gone soft. The policy given to man by Jesus was useless legislation. Without coherent rules setting language, government structure, articles to solve disagreements between the various states, or even sound economic strategy, man decided to veto Heaven's newly passed laws. This led quickly to a heavy tilt in God's policy.

In the seventh century AD, Muhammad was granted a new set of voted upon rules by a now hawkish administration unwilling to allow man's growing independence. Stronger ties of allegiance were demanded from humanity in the way of prayer. Likewise was there finally a set law code. Unlike Jesus' declaration, which disallowed war, Muhammad's demanded death and conquest of all who rejected Heaven's rule. Thus began a millennia long civil war between the various factions of Earth.

The Age of Enlightenment proved the most damaging for Heaven as parts of Earth seceded from Heaven declaring their loyalty to the newly created policy of science. Many other states have quickly followed suit threatening Heaven's control of a project that is rapidly threatening the stability of all of Existence.

The discovery of these papers can only further rattle the loyalty of those few who still hold faith in an administration which is increasingly being revealed as corrupt, incompetent, and outdated. One can only wonder at the future of this project called Existence.