Me

I am not expecting anyone to understand the complexity that is me. Neither I, nor my ex-wife, ever understood what I am. I am a miasma of so many emotions; a conflicting series of wants, needs, and desires. Sometimes I wish I were in a different time. A simpler time. I feel so out of place.

I know you don't know what I mean. Maybe you do. I pressed myself so hard in my youth. I had to achieve the impossible as soon as possible. There was not ime to waste. I had to be the prodigy. I had to change the world. When I failed, I faced depression beyond belief. I wanted to be so much more than I am. Then reality finally came and I began to see I am only human. That is an amazing thing.

I loathe those who strive for perfection. Man was never meant to be perfect. We all have flaws. No one will ever be perfect. No one can ever achieve the impossible. I believe that is part of my hatred for Christianity. That faith lashes one for their inablity to live up to a standard; a standard of a man who liekly never existed, and if he did, he did not exist in the form that he did.

The human condition is one of learning. It is a lifetime of stumbling, of discovery, of self-assertion. There are those who do not understand this or who refuse to. I do not hate any race, any sexuality, any view. I realize we are all diffrent. We are all unique. For anyone to hate a person becuase of who they are is short sighted, shallow, and ill-informed. We are all special in our own way.

I know I may be rambling. I am quite intoxicated as it is, but I felt it important to share my views. So many people fail to understand those strangers just a few feet away; fail to hear what it is they wish to express. We are all human beings who speak a shared language, yet are incapable of understanding what we mean.

I'm a solitary man; a lonely man. I wish there were those who understood me. But I have come to realize mine is a lonely path of discovery. I envy you, those who have those to join them on their path of discovery. Learn from these precious moments given to you as I struggle forward hoping to understand why I am and what I was meant to be.