It's common knowledge that some men, as they get older, go bald. Well, baldness is usually associated with the scalp. I, on the other hand, have discovered a whole new type of baldness: leg baldness.
Now I don't know when this started. All I know is today I looked down at my legs and discovered I was beginning to develop hairless patches on my calves. Yes, hairless patches! My legs are going bald! What the hell is going on?!?!?
Of course fears of radiation or maybe leprosy began to fill my mind, but I know that is simply bollocks. So what is going on? Have I mutated? Maybe I am the next stage in human evolution. You know, the gradual de-hairing of humanity until we're all smooth. Odd thought.
So anyway, I've ordered a few books to help out in comic book scriptwriting as well as have begun research into how to properly pitch my ideas along with how to contact and find said publishers. Wish me luck on this endeavor. God knows my ideas have proven thus far to be way too out there for the regular book publisher. Likewise my schedule is becoming so packed I do not have the time anymore to write novels. Besides, the process really burns me out. After writing a novel a year for the past three years (not counting my blogs, poetry, a screenplay, a slew of short stories, etc.) I am really beginning to drag.
Now this comic book idea, oh, I love it. I've already begun the brainstorming, visualizing exactly how I want to lay it out, etc.
Now I know it will be difficult breaking in. Most publishers want either an artist or an artist/writer, not simply a writer. I have to wow 'em with my material in order to get that chance. If any of you guys happen to have some "inside information" then for the love of God send it my way!
On the weird side, I've been feeling more and more uncomfortable with the increasingly obsessive stalking my supervisor is subjecting a co-worker to. It's just giving the workplace a real "Fatal Attraction" vibe. There is way too much double-talking and passive aggressive behavior going on around here which I need to steer clear of. When the two of them are together they seem happy as can be. Always cracking jokes, playfully taunting each other, yada yada. But once my supervisor leaves, the co-worker turns into a completely different person. She visibly cringes whenever we mention the guy.
For those out of "the know", my co-worker is a major tease. She is unbearably friendly with an incredibly sweet personality which naturally draws people to her (one reason I feel a bit ill whenever she says, "hi". You could say I am socially diabetic). She loves to hug, talk, and invade your personal life at every opportunity.
Well, my supervisor is the type of guy who doesn't really date much (if you saw him you'd know why) so the entire staff has come to the conclusion that he has simply misread the co-worker's actions since he is not used to attractive women treating him well. It all started with the co-worker needing a ride. As she discovered how easily she could manipulate him it grew into a lot more.
The co-worker has taken his attention and abused it using my supervisor for rides, various dinners, clubbing, etc. The warning signs have cropped up, but she ignores them. When a guy tells you he wants to introduce you to his parents you know it's getting serious, well, at least in his mind. Of course she talks to other guys right in front of him so I don't know exactly what kind of twisted relationship these two actually view themselves in.
The co-worker told me that she feels obligated to flirt with our supervisor. The most recent incident involved my supervisor taking the co-worker to the dentist (after she'd complained about not having a ride), paying for her visit (how the hell that came about I still don't know especially since another co-worker also offered to pay for her bill. Where the hell are all these people finding this spare money?!?!?), and then buying her a Tickle Me Elmo afterwards as a sign he was listening to her rambling conversation (she had told him she'd always wanted one).
Now why she consistently keeps accepting gifts, rides, and offers from the guy without facing the reality that eventually she is either going to have to put out or really piss him off by breaking this off I do not know. It is the latter I am really feeling a bit nervous about. I dread my supervisor going postal and shooting the place up. I know, I am really taking this line of thinking to the extreme.
By the by, I should be on my way. More exercising to do. I've had to lay off my legs for a bit due to straining the Achille's tendon in my left foot. Going up and down stairs is a real bitch. So I'll leave you all until tomorrow.
Showing posts with label book. Show all posts
Showing posts with label book. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
My Current Status...
Oh me oh my, a wild weekend tis has been! I reached #31,753 on the Amazon sales list! Not bad, especially with how I've been busting my hump to get my book out there. Hopefully by the end of the year the good ol' brick and mortar stores will carry it along with their internet incarnates. Then I feel sales could get real interesting, and my ass into some major controversy. Mock God and America hates you. Go figure. And no, I haven't forgotten you, the consumer, buying my book. I am grateful. I swear never to become an arrogant prick. If you ever run into me, probably in a coffee shop or book store, feel free to come up and start a chat. Not like I haven't done that to others before. I'm very approachable and I do owe each of you a thank you.
I did finally finish another video for YouTube that I'll be posting tomorrow night (Around 11:30 PM Eastern Time, and don't ask how I know the exact time. Just know my OCD dictates certain things. And the vid is up!). I've titled it "The Birth of George Bush". My sick and twisted humor really comes out in this flicker and yes, I do make an appearance though probably not in the way you'd think. I am so vague, you must wonder what the hell that means. Watch the vid and you'll see.
Meeza outta here.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Soon you too can be a superhero!
Being the tech nerd that I am, I was fascinated by these advances I discovered via Sci-Fi Tech. Being a superhero might be closer to the realm of possibility than we ever thought:
Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's… you?
Admit it — you've fantasized about soaring through the sky like Superman or swinging from building to building like Spidey. Unfortunately, superheroes exist in only comic books, cartoons and movies. And then it usually takes being doused with radioactive waste or belted by gamma rays to hear a gun cock from a mile away or crush cars like soda cans.
But with scientists apparently drawing inspiration from the comics they read when they were kids, the line between science fiction and science fact has become blurred. Superheroics suddenly seem like a viable career option. Follow the link to see to see how you, too, with today's technologies, can spin webs and get superhuman strength.
Spider-Man
With his third major motion picture debuting today, Peter Parker's alter ego needs no introduction. He faces baddies like the Green Goblin, Doc Ock and Venom on a daily basis, so it's a good thing that bug bite gave Petey a talent for sticking to walls and the ability to shoot webs from his wrists, among other things.
Synthetic Gecko: Be A True Wall-Crawler
You won't need Spider-Man to get you out of a sticky situation. Thanks to the Synthetic Gecko technology developed by BAE Systems, the Spidey-suit has become more than a child's Halloween costume. Researchers discovered that billions of tiny hair-like structures along the reptiles' feet allow geckos to get their grip. Mimicking the real-life counterpart, Synthetic Gecko acts as a reusable super-strong adhesive that leaves no messy residue or stickiness behind. Just think: It's only a matter of time before you, too, can be a wall crawler.
BioSteel: Spin Your Own Web
Our beloved arachnid can do more than scale walls so you'll need the ability to sling webs, too, if you want to be a legit Spider-Person. Nexia Biotechnologies is eager to assist your pursuit of power. After injecting spider genes into a goat, researchers were able to extract a silk-like material, dubbed BioSteel, from the goat's milk. Because of its compatibility with the human body, BioSteel appears to have some remarkable real-life applications (artificial limbs, tendons and ligaments). Stronger than steel, and with a breaking strength of 300,000 pounds per square inch, wannabe webheads will undoubtedly dream about using the technology for a swing through New York City.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fantastic Four's Invisible Woman and Human Torch
Like the rest of the Fantastic Four, Susan and Johnny Storm gained their special powers after their experimental rocket was bombarded by cosmic rays. Thanks to the spacecraft's sucky shielding, Sue gained the ability to turn invisible and project force fields. Her blazing bro Johnny picked up the power to surround himself in flames, fly and fling fireballs.
Invisibility Cloak: Now You See Me, Now You Don't
If you want to be like see-through Susie, then clearly (pardon the pun) you, too, have to be able to make yourself invisible. Duke University scientists have created a cloak using artificial composite materials called metamaterials, which could enable you to do just that. "The cloak would act like you've opened up a hole in space," said Duke's David R. Smith. "All light or other electromagnetic waves are swept around the area, guided by the metamaterial to emerge on the other side as if they had passed through an empty volume of space." If you can understand the scientific mumbo jumbo, more (super) power to you. Researchers are still uncertain what degree of invisibility can be achieved, but I sure do wish they could make the Ghost Rider movie disappear.
Heat-Ray Gun: Drop It Like It's Hot
Some like it hot, including the U.S. military, which has revealed a heat-ray gun for diffusing unruly crowds and forcing enemy surrender without the use of lethal tactics. This seemingly harmless weapon releases an invisible beam of high energy that can penetrate clothing and heat the skin (to a depth of less than 0.5 mm) to a harmless, but extremely uncomfortable degree (enemies can expect to run for cover).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Superman
Rocketed to Earth as an infant from the doomed planet Krypton (stop me if you've heard this one before), Kal-El's extraterrestrial physiology lets him absorb immense energy from his adopted homeworld's yellow sun, bestowing him with a host of mad superhuman skills. Two favorites: x-ray vision and the power to fly.
Xaver 800: I See London, I See France, I See Lois' Underpants
You, too, will be able to see right through those skyscrapers with Camero's Xaver 800 device. Because its ultra-wideband signal can travel through plaster, brick and reinforced concrete, acts of heroism are in your future. Your super-vision will allow you to locate people through walls up to 26 feet thick in just seconds, with hopes that in the future, a thickness of 300 feet won't be difficult. Unlike its conceptual counterparts, Xaver 800 is already on the market to police, fire and rescue teams and costs merely $100,000 — pocket change for getting Supes' super power.
Rocket Belt: Ready For Takeoff
You'll be soaring the blue skies with the Rocket Belt, from Tecnologia Aeroespacial Mexicana. Donning this device won't put you on any best-dressed lists, but so what if it's not as stylish as Clark's red cape. TAM offers hands-on training (with housing and food, probably tastier than you'd get on any airline), 24/7 expert support and 10 flights in your own custom-made Rocket Belt. As long as you don't tip the scales at 300 pounds, you're ready for takeoff — and to become the marvel of your own Metropolis.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Black Canary
Founding Justice League member (and Green Arrow's main squeeze) Dinah Lance was born with her superhuman ability: the "canary cry." With this ultrasonic scream, the stunning siren can shatter objects and incapacitate her opponents. Your girl may have the gift of gab, but be glad you're not getting an earful from Ms. Lance.
LRAD: Sonic Assault
We're wondering if Black Canary inspired this next tool of the superhero trade: the long-range acoustic device, LRAD, created by American Technology Corporation. LRAD, touted as a nonlethal weapon, has the capacity to cause permanent hearing damage within a range of 300 feet by producing a high-energy acoustic beam (technically known as a loud noise), enabling you to neutralize any neighborhood nuisance. U.S. forces in Iraq and the States have used LRAD for crowd control and protecting ports. And thwarting pesky pirates is now simple for cruise ships. Worried about your own drums? Though targets will feel like they are standing next to a jet engine, those producing the sonic scream are shielded from harm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain America
Scrawnier than Sanjaya and thusly rejected by the military, patriotic Steve Rogers agreed to become the recipient of the Super-Soldier Serum. With his body, agility, strength, speed, endurance, and reaction time elevated to peak human levels, Rogers became San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds, er, um, Captain America, the living symbol of freedom.
Powered Exoskeleton: Unleash Your Inner Avenger
It's possible to be like Cap without taking performance enhancers (legal or otherwise). The U.S. Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) is planning to build an army of super soldiers, with powered exoskeletons designed to improve the freedom fighters' speed, strength and endurance. This exoskeleton would enable troops to carry hundreds of pounds as easy as a backpack and leap extraordinary heights and distances (watch out, Man of Steel). It may not be a serum, but it looks like the army just might someday get the juice they need to become super.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iron Man
In between boozing and womanizing, wealthy weapons contractor Anthony Stark set aside enough time to design a suit of armor that would keep his bum ticker ticking. Later, he pimped out the suit to give himself superhuman strength, virtual invulnerability, flight capabilities and an array of weapons.
Future Warrior Concept: Dressed to Kill
Unless you're like Tony — a genius inventor with Benjamins to burn — don't hold your breath for the Future Warrior Concept. You won't be able to get your hands on the Natick Soldier Research Center's tricked-out uniform until 2025, which aims to outfit soldiers in a fully integrated, lightweight and lethal combat system.
The Iron Man-esque outfit is equipped with sensors that monitor the wearer's body temperature, heart rate and blood pressure as well as hydration and stress levels, which can be transmitted to medics and field commanders who might be miles away. An emissive display inside the headgear will let soldiers view GPS-generated maps and real-time video provided by forward-positioned troops, aircraft or satellites. The helmet also houses wide- and local-area network connections for sharing mission data (or photos of Jessica Alba) among squad mates. Additional bells and whistles include a built-in heating and cooling system and sensors for 360° situational awareness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wolverine
X-Man Wolverine was born with a mutant gene that lets him heal at an accelerated rate. Gunshot wound or burn injury? No biggie. The ol' Canucklehead needs mere minutes to recover. The atrocity that was X3? That might require an extended stay in the ICU.
ARP Trainer: Get Well Soon
Trips to the ER could be far less frequent for you, too, with a little help from an Accelerated Recovery Performance (ARP) trainer. This device helps prevent injury by relaxing healthy muscles. For injured muscles, electrical currents penetrate deep into tissue (no worries, bub, it won't hurt a bit) to strengthen and elongate them, speeding up recovery time. As a superhero, you can't afford to be on the DL for long. You could join the pack of 50 MLB, 100 NBA and 300 NFL players who already use ARP to prepare for game day.
Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's… you?
Admit it — you've fantasized about soaring through the sky like Superman or swinging from building to building like Spidey. Unfortunately, superheroes exist in only comic books, cartoons and movies. And then it usually takes being doused with radioactive waste or belted by gamma rays to hear a gun cock from a mile away or crush cars like soda cans.
But with scientists apparently drawing inspiration from the comics they read when they were kids, the line between science fiction and science fact has become blurred. Superheroics suddenly seem like a viable career option. Follow the link to see to see how you, too, with today's technologies, can spin webs and get superhuman strength.
Spider-Man
With his third major motion picture debuting today, Peter Parker's alter ego needs no introduction. He faces baddies like the Green Goblin, Doc Ock and Venom on a daily basis, so it's a good thing that bug bite gave Petey a talent for sticking to walls and the ability to shoot webs from his wrists, among other things.
Synthetic Gecko: Be A True Wall-Crawler
You won't need Spider-Man to get you out of a sticky situation. Thanks to the Synthetic Gecko technology developed by BAE Systems, the Spidey-suit has become more than a child's Halloween costume. Researchers discovered that billions of tiny hair-like structures along the reptiles' feet allow geckos to get their grip. Mimicking the real-life counterpart, Synthetic Gecko acts as a reusable super-strong adhesive that leaves no messy residue or stickiness behind. Just think: It's only a matter of time before you, too, can be a wall crawler.
BioSteel: Spin Your Own Web
Our beloved arachnid can do more than scale walls so you'll need the ability to sling webs, too, if you want to be a legit Spider-Person. Nexia Biotechnologies is eager to assist your pursuit of power. After injecting spider genes into a goat, researchers were able to extract a silk-like material, dubbed BioSteel, from the goat's milk. Because of its compatibility with the human body, BioSteel appears to have some remarkable real-life applications (artificial limbs, tendons and ligaments). Stronger than steel, and with a breaking strength of 300,000 pounds per square inch, wannabe webheads will undoubtedly dream about using the technology for a swing through New York City.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fantastic Four's Invisible Woman and Human Torch
Like the rest of the Fantastic Four, Susan and Johnny Storm gained their special powers after their experimental rocket was bombarded by cosmic rays. Thanks to the spacecraft's sucky shielding, Sue gained the ability to turn invisible and project force fields. Her blazing bro Johnny picked up the power to surround himself in flames, fly and fling fireballs.
Invisibility Cloak: Now You See Me, Now You Don't
If you want to be like see-through Susie, then clearly (pardon the pun) you, too, have to be able to make yourself invisible. Duke University scientists have created a cloak using artificial composite materials called metamaterials, which could enable you to do just that. "The cloak would act like you've opened up a hole in space," said Duke's David R. Smith. "All light or other electromagnetic waves are swept around the area, guided by the metamaterial to emerge on the other side as if they had passed through an empty volume of space." If you can understand the scientific mumbo jumbo, more (super) power to you. Researchers are still uncertain what degree of invisibility can be achieved, but I sure do wish they could make the Ghost Rider movie disappear.
Heat-Ray Gun: Drop It Like It's Hot
Some like it hot, including the U.S. military, which has revealed a heat-ray gun for diffusing unruly crowds and forcing enemy surrender without the use of lethal tactics. This seemingly harmless weapon releases an invisible beam of high energy that can penetrate clothing and heat the skin (to a depth of less than 0.5 mm) to a harmless, but extremely uncomfortable degree (enemies can expect to run for cover).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Superman
Rocketed to Earth as an infant from the doomed planet Krypton (stop me if you've heard this one before), Kal-El's extraterrestrial physiology lets him absorb immense energy from his adopted homeworld's yellow sun, bestowing him with a host of mad superhuman skills. Two favorites: x-ray vision and the power to fly.
Xaver 800: I See London, I See France, I See Lois' Underpants
You, too, will be able to see right through those skyscrapers with Camero's Xaver 800 device. Because its ultra-wideband signal can travel through plaster, brick and reinforced concrete, acts of heroism are in your future. Your super-vision will allow you to locate people through walls up to 26 feet thick in just seconds, with hopes that in the future, a thickness of 300 feet won't be difficult. Unlike its conceptual counterparts, Xaver 800 is already on the market to police, fire and rescue teams and costs merely $100,000 — pocket change for getting Supes' super power.
Rocket Belt: Ready For Takeoff
You'll be soaring the blue skies with the Rocket Belt, from Tecnologia Aeroespacial Mexicana. Donning this device won't put you on any best-dressed lists, but so what if it's not as stylish as Clark's red cape. TAM offers hands-on training (with housing and food, probably tastier than you'd get on any airline), 24/7 expert support and 10 flights in your own custom-made Rocket Belt. As long as you don't tip the scales at 300 pounds, you're ready for takeoff — and to become the marvel of your own Metropolis.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Black Canary
Founding Justice League member (and Green Arrow's main squeeze) Dinah Lance was born with her superhuman ability: the "canary cry." With this ultrasonic scream, the stunning siren can shatter objects and incapacitate her opponents. Your girl may have the gift of gab, but be glad you're not getting an earful from Ms. Lance.
LRAD: Sonic Assault
We're wondering if Black Canary inspired this next tool of the superhero trade: the long-range acoustic device, LRAD, created by American Technology Corporation. LRAD, touted as a nonlethal weapon, has the capacity to cause permanent hearing damage within a range of 300 feet by producing a high-energy acoustic beam (technically known as a loud noise), enabling you to neutralize any neighborhood nuisance. U.S. forces in Iraq and the States have used LRAD for crowd control and protecting ports. And thwarting pesky pirates is now simple for cruise ships. Worried about your own drums? Though targets will feel like they are standing next to a jet engine, those producing the sonic scream are shielded from harm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain America
Scrawnier than Sanjaya and thusly rejected by the military, patriotic Steve Rogers agreed to become the recipient of the Super-Soldier Serum. With his body, agility, strength, speed, endurance, and reaction time elevated to peak human levels, Rogers became San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds, er, um, Captain America, the living symbol of freedom.
Powered Exoskeleton: Unleash Your Inner Avenger
It's possible to be like Cap without taking performance enhancers (legal or otherwise). The U.S. Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) is planning to build an army of super soldiers, with powered exoskeletons designed to improve the freedom fighters' speed, strength and endurance. This exoskeleton would enable troops to carry hundreds of pounds as easy as a backpack and leap extraordinary heights and distances (watch out, Man of Steel). It may not be a serum, but it looks like the army just might someday get the juice they need to become super.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iron Man
In between boozing and womanizing, wealthy weapons contractor Anthony Stark set aside enough time to design a suit of armor that would keep his bum ticker ticking. Later, he pimped out the suit to give himself superhuman strength, virtual invulnerability, flight capabilities and an array of weapons.
Future Warrior Concept: Dressed to Kill
Unless you're like Tony — a genius inventor with Benjamins to burn — don't hold your breath for the Future Warrior Concept. You won't be able to get your hands on the Natick Soldier Research Center's tricked-out uniform until 2025, which aims to outfit soldiers in a fully integrated, lightweight and lethal combat system.
The Iron Man-esque outfit is equipped with sensors that monitor the wearer's body temperature, heart rate and blood pressure as well as hydration and stress levels, which can be transmitted to medics and field commanders who might be miles away. An emissive display inside the headgear will let soldiers view GPS-generated maps and real-time video provided by forward-positioned troops, aircraft or satellites. The helmet also houses wide- and local-area network connections for sharing mission data (or photos of Jessica Alba) among squad mates. Additional bells and whistles include a built-in heating and cooling system and sensors for 360° situational awareness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wolverine
X-Man Wolverine was born with a mutant gene that lets him heal at an accelerated rate. Gunshot wound or burn injury? No biggie. The ol' Canucklehead needs mere minutes to recover. The atrocity that was X3? That might require an extended stay in the ICU.
ARP Trainer: Get Well Soon
Trips to the ER could be far less frequent for you, too, with a little help from an Accelerated Recovery Performance (ARP) trainer. This device helps prevent injury by relaxing healthy muscles. For injured muscles, electrical currents penetrate deep into tissue (no worries, bub, it won't hurt a bit) to strengthen and elongate them, speeding up recovery time. As a superhero, you can't afford to be on the DL for long. You could join the pack of 50 MLB, 100 NBA and 300 NFL players who already use ARP to prepare for game day.
Monday, May 7, 2007
A Circle of Cliches
When did you last come across the words "coruscating" or "magisterial"? It's unlikely to have been in a holiday brochure or a recipe. Surely it was on the back of a book or in a book review.
The book world has a language all of its own. I hadn't noticed it much before now, but then I became a published author who relied on the reviews of others. In reading the words of critics in order to discern whether or not to send review copies of my novel out to certain individuals, I came to discern and gradually learn a new language I dub, "reviewese". The dialect had been identified before: Raymond Queneau's Exercises in Style, which tells a two-paragraph story 99 different ways, has a study in reviewese. The story is retold as a book review, and in Barbara Wright's English translation the story's author is commended for bringing it off "with a rare felicity".
Reviewese isn't confined to book reviewers; it pervades the literary world. A lot of it comes from book-jacket blurbs, which produce a repertoire of sentences that publishers would like to see in book reviews. This literary lingo consists of words, constructions and formulations few English speakers use, but that sound true if used about books. I started to notice it everywhere, and began keeping a list of phrases that recurred and jarred.
All trades have some kind of professional jargon – hacks must have their spikes, and cobblers their lasts – but there's something different about reviewese. Admittedly, it relies on the same sorts of abbreviations as other trades: "I couldn't put it down" becomes "unputdownable"; "It was so funny I laughed out loud" becomes "laugh out loud funny". Publishers and critics need these terms like they need terms for genres, such as chick lit, lad lit, bonkbusters, sex and shopping and killer chillers. Somehow, the way we talk about writing has become rich in clichés. It affects the way we publish books, the way we cover them, and the way we consume them. You could devise a circle of clichés, starting (because we have to start somewhere) with the publishers. Publishers have to tell journalists, shopkeepers and readers what a book is like as quickly as possible, so find themselves using an immediately recognizable language. There is no counting the books that have subtitles beginning with the words "the extraordinary true story of", or the times when the story is untold and the truth shocking. One publisher said that a book was a "lie-in-the-bath-with-a-glass-of-wine" kind of book.
The "x meets y" construction is an invaluable way of summarizing a book whose disparate elements might call for lengthier description. Another is to talk of an author's progeny – he or she could be the bastard offspring, or bizarre lovechild, conceived in a crack house by the union of Marcel Proust and Jeanette Winterson. Yet another is the culinary image: take Tobias Smollett, stew him in his own juice, reduce, mix in some finely chopped Poe, season with Patti Smith and serve with late Henry James.
I have read this kind of thing from publishers often, and critics occasionally; but then, critics are apt to talk of the resulting stew, or broth, or heady mix. And critics love to concatenate names and drop them from the heavens: in his novel Who's Sorry Now?, Howard Jacobson describes a critic "famous for the number of books on any subject he was able to review in one week, and for the number of mentions of writers other than the ones reviewed he was able to squeeze into 600 words".
The namedrop is an effective shorthand, and flatters the reader too. Let me drop another, then: in Enemies of Promise, Cyril Connolly writes that "journalism must obtain its full impact on the first reading", and adds: "Carelessness is not fatal to journalism nor are clichés, for the eye rests lightly on them." Connolly found a way of excusing the argot that irked me about professional reviewers. I had thought that literary journalism should be better than other journalism, because it was about literature – in the words of Ezra Pound (clank), "news that stays news". Let other scribes begin every feature published shortly before Christmas with the words " 'Tis the season"; let those more on the qui vive tell us what just got hot. But if Connolly is right, I missed the point: "Journalism is loose, intimate, simple, and striking; literature formal and compact, not simple and not immediately striking in its effects." Literary journalism, I had to remember, was still journalism.
By the time I was through, my list had become vast and sprawling. It included the phrase "vast and sprawling" (which is often followed by the words "epic" or "tome"). It contained words I was fed up with seeing next to one another. So the time has come to celebrate this ready-made vernacular in all its richness, and to show the world what prefabricated phrases exist to assist our discussion of any book that comes our way. Here are some of the tropes you'll need if you want to talk about literature quickly and without having to worry about it too much. Forgive me if I miss a few.
as good as any novel – why should writers of fact aspire to the standards of novelists?
at its core, **** is a deeply moral work – a handy way for a critic to say that those who don't like the shocking book under review simply don't understand it
breakneck speed – no successful thriller will go any slower
bursting to get out – of novellas in vast, sprawling epics
by this stage - I was ready to hurl the book across the room
cocktail – the result of stirring one author in with another: "a cocktail of Hergé and the Marquis de Sade"
coruscating – to be confused with "excoriating"
cracking pace – slower than breakneck speed; too slow
darkly comic - wickedly funny
deceptively simple – the simplicity of the phrase itself belies how complicated it is. Is the book/poem/style simple or isn't it? Or does it remind us that to mere readers, something might look simple, and that they need clever critics to undeceive them?
editor should be shot – wouldn't it be better to shoot those who write "the editor should be shot"? The phrase normally appears in connection with a list of minor quibbles. But to punish editors with this ultimate sanction would lead to a smaller number of editors, not only through their execution but also by discouraging people from becoming editors in the future. The grim consequence of this would be a major increase in minor quibbles
epic – as if synonymous with "long"
event – "a new epic by Homer is always an event"
feisty – of heroines, usually with mention of hair color – "step forward, feisty redhead DI Dubrovnik"
has it all – as a rule, chick lit stories should feature a twenty something heroine who has it all, with the customary exception of Mr. Right
heady mix – see cocktail, supra
high-octane – of the fuel needed to keep thrillers going at breakneck speed
hits the ground running – of stunning debuts
icon – as if synonymous with anything famous or even recognizable
in an iron grip - holds the reader's attention
in his inimitable style – incidentally, inimitable people often turn out to be quite imitable: "the inimitable Sean Connery"
laugh out loud, as in laugh out loud funny – Oh my God. Come to think of it, reviewese could soon become a completely textable language, with :-) or :-( to indicate whether or not a book is good. At the time of writing, though, reviewese still uses laugh out loud as an adjective rather than an interjection
leafy - not strictly reviewese, but curious: I once saw Harlesden described as leafy
magisterial (of non-fiction) – any two-volume biography or history can be called magisterial. For single-volume works to qualify, they must reach 700 pages not including notes, bibliographies and appendices
**** meets **** – the most quoted example of this construction was the work of Arrow's publicity department: they described Come Together by Emlyn Rees and Josie Lloyd as what could happen if "Bridget Jones met Nick Hornby at a party given by the housemates of This Life". For some, what happened when Emlyn Rees met Josie Lloyd was troubling enough
overnight sensation – I do enjoy how slightly rude that sounds
politically correct – an appealingly easy target, hence "political correctness gone mad"
stunning debut – in reviewese, a young writer can debut stunningly
surreal- as if synonymous with odd, wacky
sympathetic portrait – see warts-and-all, infra
take one ****, mix in some ****, add a dash of ****, leave to simmer, and what do you have? - a story for a general audience; in other words, a blockbuster
that rare thing – perhaps it's worth quoting Edwin Muir on Thomas Mann's Confessions of Felix Krull, Confidence Man: "Here is that unheard of, that supposedly impossible thing, a good German comic novel…"
tour de force (of literary scholarship) – the minimum length for a tour de force, not including notes, bibliographies and appendices, is 400 pages
(the) truth is often stranger than fiction – variants of this observation are that fact mingles strangely with fiction, and that life imitates art
vast, sprawling epic – it is polite to congratulate short-story writers for being able to "compress into a few pages what lesser writers fail to achieve in vast, sprawling epics"
Viagra – coined by Charles Spencer in this paper's notice of The Blue Room, starring Nicole Kidman; he alone should be allowed to use it, but the conceit is now standard reviewese
warts-and-all –reviewese can turn whole phrases into adjectives. Ironic that the grammar used in literature is corrupted to describe it (see laugh out loud, unputdownable)
wickedly funny – less dark than darkly comic
woefully inadequate – of notes, bibliographies, appendices and most often indices
The book world has a language all of its own. I hadn't noticed it much before now, but then I became a published author who relied on the reviews of others. In reading the words of critics in order to discern whether or not to send review copies of my novel out to certain individuals, I came to discern and gradually learn a new language I dub, "reviewese". The dialect had been identified before: Raymond Queneau's Exercises in Style, which tells a two-paragraph story 99 different ways, has a study in reviewese. The story is retold as a book review, and in Barbara Wright's English translation the story's author is commended for bringing it off "with a rare felicity".
Reviewese isn't confined to book reviewers; it pervades the literary world. A lot of it comes from book-jacket blurbs, which produce a repertoire of sentences that publishers would like to see in book reviews. This literary lingo consists of words, constructions and formulations few English speakers use, but that sound true if used about books. I started to notice it everywhere, and began keeping a list of phrases that recurred and jarred.
All trades have some kind of professional jargon – hacks must have their spikes, and cobblers their lasts – but there's something different about reviewese. Admittedly, it relies on the same sorts of abbreviations as other trades: "I couldn't put it down" becomes "unputdownable"; "It was so funny I laughed out loud" becomes "laugh out loud funny". Publishers and critics need these terms like they need terms for genres, such as chick lit, lad lit, bonkbusters, sex and shopping and killer chillers. Somehow, the way we talk about writing has become rich in clichés. It affects the way we publish books, the way we cover them, and the way we consume them. You could devise a circle of clichés, starting (because we have to start somewhere) with the publishers. Publishers have to tell journalists, shopkeepers and readers what a book is like as quickly as possible, so find themselves using an immediately recognizable language. There is no counting the books that have subtitles beginning with the words "the extraordinary true story of", or the times when the story is untold and the truth shocking. One publisher said that a book was a "lie-in-the-bath-with-a-glass-of-wine" kind of book.
The "x meets y" construction is an invaluable way of summarizing a book whose disparate elements might call for lengthier description. Another is to talk of an author's progeny – he or she could be the bastard offspring, or bizarre lovechild, conceived in a crack house by the union of Marcel Proust and Jeanette Winterson. Yet another is the culinary image: take Tobias Smollett, stew him in his own juice, reduce, mix in some finely chopped Poe, season with Patti Smith and serve with late Henry James.
I have read this kind of thing from publishers often, and critics occasionally; but then, critics are apt to talk of the resulting stew, or broth, or heady mix. And critics love to concatenate names and drop them from the heavens: in his novel Who's Sorry Now?, Howard Jacobson describes a critic "famous for the number of books on any subject he was able to review in one week, and for the number of mentions of writers other than the ones reviewed he was able to squeeze into 600 words".
The namedrop is an effective shorthand, and flatters the reader too. Let me drop another, then: in Enemies of Promise, Cyril Connolly writes that "journalism must obtain its full impact on the first reading", and adds: "Carelessness is not fatal to journalism nor are clichés, for the eye rests lightly on them." Connolly found a way of excusing the argot that irked me about professional reviewers. I had thought that literary journalism should be better than other journalism, because it was about literature – in the words of Ezra Pound (clank), "news that stays news". Let other scribes begin every feature published shortly before Christmas with the words " 'Tis the season"; let those more on the qui vive tell us what just got hot. But if Connolly is right, I missed the point: "Journalism is loose, intimate, simple, and striking; literature formal and compact, not simple and not immediately striking in its effects." Literary journalism, I had to remember, was still journalism.
By the time I was through, my list had become vast and sprawling. It included the phrase "vast and sprawling" (which is often followed by the words "epic" or "tome"). It contained words I was fed up with seeing next to one another. So the time has come to celebrate this ready-made vernacular in all its richness, and to show the world what prefabricated phrases exist to assist our discussion of any book that comes our way. Here are some of the tropes you'll need if you want to talk about literature quickly and without having to worry about it too much. Forgive me if I miss a few.
as good as any novel – why should writers of fact aspire to the standards of novelists?
at its core, **** is a deeply moral work – a handy way for a critic to say that those who don't like the shocking book under review simply don't understand it
breakneck speed – no successful thriller will go any slower
bursting to get out – of novellas in vast, sprawling epics
by this stage - I was ready to hurl the book across the room
cocktail – the result of stirring one author in with another: "a cocktail of Hergé and the Marquis de Sade"
coruscating – to be confused with "excoriating"
cracking pace – slower than breakneck speed; too slow
darkly comic - wickedly funny
deceptively simple – the simplicity of the phrase itself belies how complicated it is. Is the book/poem/style simple or isn't it? Or does it remind us that to mere readers, something might look simple, and that they need clever critics to undeceive them?
editor should be shot – wouldn't it be better to shoot those who write "the editor should be shot"? The phrase normally appears in connection with a list of minor quibbles. But to punish editors with this ultimate sanction would lead to a smaller number of editors, not only through their execution but also by discouraging people from becoming editors in the future. The grim consequence of this would be a major increase in minor quibbles
epic – as if synonymous with "long"
event – "a new epic by Homer is always an event"
feisty – of heroines, usually with mention of hair color – "step forward, feisty redhead DI Dubrovnik"
has it all – as a rule, chick lit stories should feature a twenty something heroine who has it all, with the customary exception of Mr. Right
heady mix – see cocktail, supra
high-octane – of the fuel needed to keep thrillers going at breakneck speed
hits the ground running – of stunning debuts
icon – as if synonymous with anything famous or even recognizable
in an iron grip - holds the reader's attention
in his inimitable style – incidentally, inimitable people often turn out to be quite imitable: "the inimitable Sean Connery"
laugh out loud, as in laugh out loud funny – Oh my God. Come to think of it, reviewese could soon become a completely textable language, with :-) or :-( to indicate whether or not a book is good. At the time of writing, though, reviewese still uses laugh out loud as an adjective rather than an interjection
leafy - not strictly reviewese, but curious: I once saw Harlesden described as leafy
magisterial (of non-fiction) – any two-volume biography or history can be called magisterial. For single-volume works to qualify, they must reach 700 pages not including notes, bibliographies and appendices
**** meets **** – the most quoted example of this construction was the work of Arrow's publicity department: they described Come Together by Emlyn Rees and Josie Lloyd as what could happen if "Bridget Jones met Nick Hornby at a party given by the housemates of This Life". For some, what happened when Emlyn Rees met Josie Lloyd was troubling enough
overnight sensation – I do enjoy how slightly rude that sounds
politically correct – an appealingly easy target, hence "political correctness gone mad"
stunning debut – in reviewese, a young writer can debut stunningly
surreal- as if synonymous with odd, wacky
sympathetic portrait – see warts-and-all, infra
take one ****, mix in some ****, add a dash of ****, leave to simmer, and what do you have? - a story for a general audience; in other words, a blockbuster
that rare thing – perhaps it's worth quoting Edwin Muir on Thomas Mann's Confessions of Felix Krull, Confidence Man: "Here is that unheard of, that supposedly impossible thing, a good German comic novel…"
tour de force (of literary scholarship) – the minimum length for a tour de force, not including notes, bibliographies and appendices, is 400 pages
(the) truth is often stranger than fiction – variants of this observation are that fact mingles strangely with fiction, and that life imitates art
vast, sprawling epic – it is polite to congratulate short-story writers for being able to "compress into a few pages what lesser writers fail to achieve in vast, sprawling epics"
Viagra – coined by Charles Spencer in this paper's notice of The Blue Room, starring Nicole Kidman; he alone should be allowed to use it, but the conceit is now standard reviewese
warts-and-all –reviewese can turn whole phrases into adjectives. Ironic that the grammar used in literature is corrupted to describe it (see laugh out loud, unputdownable)
wickedly funny – less dark than darkly comic
woefully inadequate – of notes, bibliographies, appendices and most often indices
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