In an unexpected press conference earlier this week, the Lord Jesus, formerly of Bethlehem, asked charismatic and evangelical Christians everywhere to stop making art.
When asked why, the Son of the Almighty God responded simply, "It makes Me cry. Many charismatics are under the impression that I want them to be involved in creating vibrant, meaningful works that express My heart. While this call was given to the Church at large, it was never meant to include those of the charismatic persuasion. I'm sorry if there was any confusion on this very important point.
"Creating art should really be left to the Catholics. That's the way it has been done for centuries, and We have been blessed with the Sistine Chapel, Handel's Messiah, Dante's Inferno, heck, I even liked The Last Temptation of Christ. Willem Dafoe. He's intense."
Jesus assured the reporting press that this decision was not a hasty one, and that He had been watching the problem develop for several years.
"I first started to notice charismatics creating art in the late '60s when some ladies at a Pentecostal assembly in Encino made some banners to hang in their sanctuary," Jesus recalled. "The color choices were garish, and they over-estimated the effect of gold lamé, but I thought their hearts were in a good place, so I let it go. Sadly, the tradition they began continues to this day in churches across North America and the world.
"There was a brief time of hope in the early '70s, with the whole Jesus Movement thing. I mean, the music was great! It was about this time, however, that those rapture movies started getting made... the ones without Kirk Cameron. The Thief in the Night flicks. Again, while the direction, acting, production design, lighting, costuming, heck – even the on-set catering – was sub-par, I kinda liked the sincerity inherent in the attempt. They just wanted folks to know Me.
"However, the whole 'Oh, his heart's in the right place' thing can only take My all-sovereign mercy so far. I mean, this is the Alpha and Omega these folks are trying to represent here. The Judas Project is one thing, but Left Behind? Let's get serious. They made a rapture movie without even mentioning Jesus! I get more credit in an episode of Touched By An Angel!"
When asked if this "cease and desist" order applied to musicians as well, the Nazarene responded, "For now, I will continue to let evangelicals make music. We did get Keith Green, after all.
"I am giving some very strict guidelines for worship music, however. For example, when writing a new song, there shall be no further use of the words 'river,' 'fire,' 'mighty,' 'dancing' and especially not 'a-dancing.'
"This is no free ticket, and Carman, I'm watching you, bud. I've also given very specific instructions that no Christian charismatic musical artist should attempt acting and/or directing. God forbid We should end up with a Carman movie."
When one reporter pointed out that Carman had made the boxing "drama" The Champion, the Lord responded, "He did what? Oh, it's clobberin' time now!"
The conference ended a few minutes later, with the Prince of Peace adding that if the current trend of charismatics making art continued, He would consider granting the Catholic church exclusive rights to the name, image, and likeness of the Almighty.
"I feel it's a way of honoring My true fans, the ones who expect a certain level of quality and thoughtfulness when they see something with My Name attached to it."
Representatives at Carman's office in Tulsa, now only a smoking crater in the ground, could not be reached for comment.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Regarding To Catch a Predator (Thoughts after the marathon on MSNBC)
I am so tired of all of the complaints aimed at the "pedophiles" Chris Hansen catches because of this show. Much of it is unwarranted, and I will explain why:
Pedophilia is when adults are attracted to PRE-PUBESCENT children; Those who have not reached adolescence.
People who are attracted to teenagers who have gone through puberty and are no longer technically children are hebephiles.
It does make a difference. Hebephiles are usually not "preying" on anyone. A lot of the time, it's the older person in that arrangement that is being manipulated, and Perverted Justice has been taken to task many times for their questionable tactics.
Just answer this: If hottie Lindsey Lohan was coming on to you when she was 16 years old (Remember how she looked then? Before the cocaine?) and offered to fuck you, making it very clear that she's sexually active and sexually aware--- Wouldn't you at least be tempted? Would you consider being sexually attracted to her when she was that age "abnormal" or "sick"?
Apparently, nobody thought it was abnormal or sick, considering how they marketed her to audiences.
And it's not. She was a sexually mature adolescent, well past puberty, and she was clearly not an innocent lamb who would be the 'victim' if she flirted with an older guy.
I'm not defending kiddie-diddlers! ACTUAL pedophiles should be locked up and castrated as far as I'm concerned. I'm saying that being attracted to a sexually-aware teenager is completely different, and far less mentally unhealthy, than being attracted to pre-pubescent children. That's why the states can't seem to agree on their arbitrary Age of Consent. In one state it might be 12, and in another it's 18. It's ridiculous.
For the record, I lost my virginity at 15, to a 19-year-old. She lost hers when she was 14, to an 18-year-old. I have girlfriends who lost their virginity at 13, to guys in their late teens or even early 20s. None of them felt victimized. As a male, I certainly didn't feel victimized when I lost mine at 15, and harbor no ill will against the woman who took it.
Teenagers have sex, and people want to have sex with teenagers. It's human biology. I think Perverted Justice needs to drop the age of their decoy by about three to five years if they want to be taken seriously, and I really wish people would stop using the word "pedophile" to describe someone being attracted to a girl with breasts, curves, pubes, and a period. Poor taste or bad judgment-- Yes. Evil kiddie diddlers? No.
That being said, I wouldn't fool around with any teenagers because they'd be less than half my age, and they're really, really fucking annoying. Who wants a girlfriend who can't shut up, has serious hormonal imbalance and emotional issues, and has the attention span of a housefly? No thanks.
Pedophilia is when adults are attracted to PRE-PUBESCENT children; Those who have not reached adolescence.
People who are attracted to teenagers who have gone through puberty and are no longer technically children are hebephiles.
It does make a difference. Hebephiles are usually not "preying" on anyone. A lot of the time, it's the older person in that arrangement that is being manipulated, and Perverted Justice has been taken to task many times for their questionable tactics.
Just answer this: If hottie Lindsey Lohan was coming on to you when she was 16 years old (Remember how she looked then? Before the cocaine?) and offered to fuck you, making it very clear that she's sexually active and sexually aware--- Wouldn't you at least be tempted? Would you consider being sexually attracted to her when she was that age "abnormal" or "sick"?
Apparently, nobody thought it was abnormal or sick, considering how they marketed her to audiences.
And it's not. She was a sexually mature adolescent, well past puberty, and she was clearly not an innocent lamb who would be the 'victim' if she flirted with an older guy.
I'm not defending kiddie-diddlers! ACTUAL pedophiles should be locked up and castrated as far as I'm concerned. I'm saying that being attracted to a sexually-aware teenager is completely different, and far less mentally unhealthy, than being attracted to pre-pubescent children. That's why the states can't seem to agree on their arbitrary Age of Consent. In one state it might be 12, and in another it's 18. It's ridiculous.
For the record, I lost my virginity at 15, to a 19-year-old. She lost hers when she was 14, to an 18-year-old. I have girlfriends who lost their virginity at 13, to guys in their late teens or even early 20s. None of them felt victimized. As a male, I certainly didn't feel victimized when I lost mine at 15, and harbor no ill will against the woman who took it.
Teenagers have sex, and people want to have sex with teenagers. It's human biology. I think Perverted Justice needs to drop the age of their decoy by about three to five years if they want to be taken seriously, and I really wish people would stop using the word "pedophile" to describe someone being attracted to a girl with breasts, curves, pubes, and a period. Poor taste or bad judgment-- Yes. Evil kiddie diddlers? No.
That being said, I wouldn't fool around with any teenagers because they'd be less than half my age, and they're really, really fucking annoying. Who wants a girlfriend who can't shut up, has serious hormonal imbalance and emotional issues, and has the attention span of a housefly? No thanks.
A Spider-Man Who Could Have Been
Dear God, I finally found the script (with storyboards) of James Cameron's Spider-Man movie.
For those who never knew, shortly after T2 Cameron had a strong desire to make Spider-Man his next directorial effort. Corolco Pictures hurried out to buy the rights in order to supplicate their biggest moneymaking figure and to secure their next big blockbuster.
Problems arose as various studios fought over the rights to Spider-Man (no one knew who the hell owned the rights due to a series of nightmarish events as various producers bought, sold, and traded the rights with vague understandings of exactly what those rights really were)and were further compounded by the problem of Marvel Comics going bankrupt (and the publisher thus declaring the property reverted back to them in order to make much needed money) which drew out the various question of who owned the movie rights for close to a decade. In that time, James Cameron wrote a script for use on the picture which never was filmed due to Cameron's interest waning as the trial went on and his apparent retirement after the masterpiece which was Titanic. It would seem Cameron simply didn't have the balls to attempt another movie for fear of being compared to what was arguably his best picture.
As to the script, it is much different in tone from the Raimi version though some of the scenes were used (and diluted for a younger, more general audience) . I will say I prefer Cameron's much more adult take on Spider-Man. He feels realized perfectly especially for a city like NYC. Sorry, but I could never really believe in Raimi's version of Peter. A wimp like that surviving in the Big Apple was not only ludicrous but highly grating. Raimi's Spidey was a whining little wimp. Cameron's Spidey not only had an inner strength but a much more noble, albeit juvenile, slant. It's also not nearly as over the top as Raimi's Spidey would become with Part 2 being the only redeemable part of the series with Part 1 being far too campy with Goblin/Dafoe, the wrestling scene, and other characterizations/plot points I nitpick over while Part 3 was shallow, overpacked, and not really believable in even a comic book universe. Cameron's Spidey lives in a gritty, violent, very real world who doesn't wear some designer superhero suit. The villains are cold blooded, thought out, and driven.
The part which draws me most is the fact that Cameron has the character nailed much better than Raimi's scripts ever did. There are the quips and a very real story of angst as Parker matures and becomes a man. This would not have had Maguire as the lead. I don't care how you try to twist the character, Maguire never would have come across as a joking, strong willed Peter Parker. Maguire has always based his Parker more along the lines of Reeve's Clark Kent rather than what Parker really should have been: a goofy kid trying to figure out just who the hell he really was. Parker's shy, easily pushed around personality does not jive with the empowerment he discovers through becoming Spider-Man. Raimi and Maguire play Peter Parker as two separate individuals while Cameron did the right thing showing them to be one and the same.
You can catch that script here. Enjoy what could have been, my fellows.
For those who never knew, shortly after T2 Cameron had a strong desire to make Spider-Man his next directorial effort. Corolco Pictures hurried out to buy the rights in order to supplicate their biggest moneymaking figure and to secure their next big blockbuster.
Problems arose as various studios fought over the rights to Spider-Man (no one knew who the hell owned the rights due to a series of nightmarish events as various producers bought, sold, and traded the rights with vague understandings of exactly what those rights really were)and were further compounded by the problem of Marvel Comics going bankrupt (and the publisher thus declaring the property reverted back to them in order to make much needed money) which drew out the various question of who owned the movie rights for close to a decade. In that time, James Cameron wrote a script for use on the picture which never was filmed due to Cameron's interest waning as the trial went on and his apparent retirement after the masterpiece which was Titanic. It would seem Cameron simply didn't have the balls to attempt another movie for fear of being compared to what was arguably his best picture.
As to the script, it is much different in tone from the Raimi version though some of the scenes were used (and diluted for a younger, more general audience) . I will say I prefer Cameron's much more adult take on Spider-Man. He feels realized perfectly especially for a city like NYC. Sorry, but I could never really believe in Raimi's version of Peter. A wimp like that surviving in the Big Apple was not only ludicrous but highly grating. Raimi's Spidey was a whining little wimp. Cameron's Spidey not only had an inner strength but a much more noble, albeit juvenile, slant. It's also not nearly as over the top as Raimi's Spidey would become with Part 2 being the only redeemable part of the series with Part 1 being far too campy with Goblin/Dafoe, the wrestling scene, and other characterizations/plot points I nitpick over while Part 3 was shallow, overpacked, and not really believable in even a comic book universe. Cameron's Spidey lives in a gritty, violent, very real world who doesn't wear some designer superhero suit. The villains are cold blooded, thought out, and driven.
The part which draws me most is the fact that Cameron has the character nailed much better than Raimi's scripts ever did. There are the quips and a very real story of angst as Parker matures and becomes a man. This would not have had Maguire as the lead. I don't care how you try to twist the character, Maguire never would have come across as a joking, strong willed Peter Parker. Maguire has always based his Parker more along the lines of Reeve's Clark Kent rather than what Parker really should have been: a goofy kid trying to figure out just who the hell he really was. Parker's shy, easily pushed around personality does not jive with the empowerment he discovers through becoming Spider-Man. Raimi and Maguire play Peter Parker as two separate individuals while Cameron did the right thing showing them to be one and the same.
You can catch that script here. Enjoy what could have been, my fellows.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Masturbating does NOT Make You Blind
A report today challenges the notion that excessive self-abuse can affect your eyesight.
Mr Konstantine Pullinmeov, of the National Board Of Flaggelators, Fettlers and Five-Knuckle Shufflers has submitted his findings to a panel of independant anti-bellringers in Brussels.
The NBFFF has for many years campaigned for the awareness of the benefits of regular "clearing of the pipes", and has often protested for public pleasuring to be made legal. The 80 page report highlights masturbation through history, and dismisses the old adage of "Wank Blindness".
When asked for further proof, Mr Pullinmeov was seen to talk to a coat-stand for 15 minutes before being physically turned towards the panel by an embarrassed colleague.
Psychiatry Deemed a Religion in New Study
Researchers at Jakarta's renowned Hebrew University recently published a study conclusively proving that Psychiatry should be classified as a religion. The study consisted of a study of Psychiatric textbooks and journals (which will now be known as scriptures) and interviews with Psychiatrists (better classified as priests) and patients (hereafter known as "the flock").
This work brings a logical answer to many nagging questions, like how Psychiatry could be considered the "authority" in matters of the mind when their results in the field have been poor, and are known to cause more damage than benefit. It may also shed some light on the tendency of Psychiatrists to molest children in a much higher percentage than the general populace.
"Psychiatry is portrayed alternately as a scientific study or branch of medicine but either of these is rapidly disproved," says Moshe Sapere of Hebrew University. "The science of Psychiatry is flawed. Their studies are mainly funded by drug companies and they publish illogical conclusions which - Surprise! - make the drug companies look good. Psychiatry claims similarity to medicine but this is in reality only marketing; the only real similarities to actual medicine are clothing and terminology. If you dressed up a parrot in a doctor's smock and taught it some Latin phrases, it wouldn't be a doctor. It's the same with Psychiatrists."
Some of the researchers were reluctant to agree with the "religion" moniker for a group known to be profit-based and harmful, but a study of religions of the past shows that many have been used for profit and have done harm to others. The matter of faith in a deity was also a sticking point but a study of Psychiatric scriptures reveals that Psychiatrists believe in an invisible entity known as "chemical imbalance". The existence of Chemical Imbalance is stated as fact in the texts though there is no proof of his existence, analogous to a Christian's belief in God or a Muslim's belief in Allah.
The key answer that led the researchers to declare Psychiatry as a religion is that their High Priests demand complete belief in unobservable phenomena and continue to forward their beliefs despite no obvious benefit. They are also known to vehemently attack anyone who points out the lack of proof to their claims. Most religions promise salvation in a future existence. Psychiatry does not specifically make those claims but clearly provides dubious benefit in this existence. The researchers are pleased that they have been able to finally clarify this subject and would like to pass the following message to Psychiatrists worldwide, "may Chemical Imbalance bless you".
This work brings a logical answer to many nagging questions, like how Psychiatry could be considered the "authority" in matters of the mind when their results in the field have been poor, and are known to cause more damage than benefit. It may also shed some light on the tendency of Psychiatrists to molest children in a much higher percentage than the general populace.
"Psychiatry is portrayed alternately as a scientific study or branch of medicine but either of these is rapidly disproved," says Moshe Sapere of Hebrew University. "The science of Psychiatry is flawed. Their studies are mainly funded by drug companies and they publish illogical conclusions which - Surprise! - make the drug companies look good. Psychiatry claims similarity to medicine but this is in reality only marketing; the only real similarities to actual medicine are clothing and terminology. If you dressed up a parrot in a doctor's smock and taught it some Latin phrases, it wouldn't be a doctor. It's the same with Psychiatrists."
Some of the researchers were reluctant to agree with the "religion" moniker for a group known to be profit-based and harmful, but a study of religions of the past shows that many have been used for profit and have done harm to others. The matter of faith in a deity was also a sticking point but a study of Psychiatric scriptures reveals that Psychiatrists believe in an invisible entity known as "chemical imbalance". The existence of Chemical Imbalance is stated as fact in the texts though there is no proof of his existence, analogous to a Christian's belief in God or a Muslim's belief in Allah.
The key answer that led the researchers to declare Psychiatry as a religion is that their High Priests demand complete belief in unobservable phenomena and continue to forward their beliefs despite no obvious benefit. They are also known to vehemently attack anyone who points out the lack of proof to their claims. Most religions promise salvation in a future existence. Psychiatry does not specifically make those claims but clearly provides dubious benefit in this existence. The researchers are pleased that they have been able to finally clarify this subject and would like to pass the following message to Psychiatrists worldwide, "may Chemical Imbalance bless you".
Cheney Entirely New Branch of Government, He Says
For the last four years, [Vice President Cheney] has been defying a presidential order requiring executive branch agencies to account for the classified information they handle. When the agency that enforces this rule tried to do its job, Mr. Cheney proposed abolishing the agency.
Mr. Cheney, who has been at the heart of the administration's darkest episodes, has bizarre reasons for doing that. The Times reported that the vice president does not consider himself a mere member of the executive branch.
In response to inquiries concerning his failure to follow the laws applying to the White House and the Executive Branch of the U.S. Government, Dick Cheney revealed today that he is his own branch of government. Mr. Cheney, who will no longer go by the title of Vice President, said that he had not previously disclosed this information "for national security reasons." The new branch of government will be known as the Undisclosed Branch of Government, spokesmen said. The title of the branch of government -- and Mr. Cheney's actual title -- is classified.
Mr. Cheney disclosed that his office encompasses Executive, Congressional, and Judicial functions. In an usual display of cnador, aides to Cheney announced that, just as he spends time in the White House and the Capitol Building, he also spends a significant amount of time working at the Supreme Court. "This is one of the heretofore 'undisclosed locations,'" an aide divulged. The aide, who did not reveal his name because he feared future indictment by prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, said that Cheney was secretly known as "the Tenth Justice".
Critics said that Mr. Cheney was out of line. "He can't just create his own branch of government," said Constiutional Scholar Professor Jenna Blinkerton. "That, in itself, is against the law."
Cheney responded that his critics were "giving aid and comfort to the enemy" after which the FBI took Professor Blinkerton into custody and placed her in a naval brig in North Carolina.
Mr. Cheney also contended that if he were breaking a law, he could only be prosecuted by the Other Undisclosed Branch of Government, which is made up of his wife, Lynn Cheney, his daughters, one of his dogs, and Alberto Gonzales.
Mr. Cheney, who has been at the heart of the administration's darkest episodes, has bizarre reasons for doing that. The Times reported that the vice president does not consider himself a mere member of the executive branch.
In response to inquiries concerning his failure to follow the laws applying to the White House and the Executive Branch of the U.S. Government, Dick Cheney revealed today that he is his own branch of government. Mr. Cheney, who will no longer go by the title of Vice President, said that he had not previously disclosed this information "for national security reasons." The new branch of government will be known as the Undisclosed Branch of Government, spokesmen said. The title of the branch of government -- and Mr. Cheney's actual title -- is classified.
Mr. Cheney disclosed that his office encompasses Executive, Congressional, and Judicial functions. In an usual display of cnador, aides to Cheney announced that, just as he spends time in the White House and the Capitol Building, he also spends a significant amount of time working at the Supreme Court. "This is one of the heretofore 'undisclosed locations,'" an aide divulged. The aide, who did not reveal his name because he feared future indictment by prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, said that Cheney was secretly known as "the Tenth Justice".
Critics said that Mr. Cheney was out of line. "He can't just create his own branch of government," said Constiutional Scholar Professor Jenna Blinkerton. "That, in itself, is against the law."
Cheney responded that his critics were "giving aid and comfort to the enemy" after which the FBI took Professor Blinkerton into custody and placed her in a naval brig in North Carolina.
Mr. Cheney also contended that if he were breaking a law, he could only be prosecuted by the Other Undisclosed Branch of Government, which is made up of his wife, Lynn Cheney, his daughters, one of his dogs, and Alberto Gonzales.
Bush to Review Excessive Sentence Claims Of Million Other Felons
In light of his commutation of what he called the "excessive sentence" of I. Lewis Libby today, President Bush has agreed to review all sentences in the United States because "that would only be fair."
"Judges and panels of judges routinely review excessive sentence claims throughout the land," said Bush, " but the Libby case has made me see that our exhaustive system of appellate review is flawed."
The judge in the Libby case followed strict federal guidelines written by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission, which labored for years to write an exacting code that was designed to ensure that all felons were treated equally. "What the guidelines do not take into account," said Bush, "is that some felons are more equal than others."
"These so-called 'guidelines' do not give adequate guidance to judges in certain cases," Bush said. His voice quavered as he added, "Some people -- for instance, rich and the powerful Republicans who, through no mistake of their own, are accidentally caught breaking the law -- sometimes do not receive proper treatment." Bush was then too overcome by emotion to continue with his statement. He retired to his residence on Kennebunkport to swill beer with President Putin, who agreed with the President's actions.
"In my country when pipples lied to the State, we tortured them," the former head of the KGB said, "except when they were fellow KGB. Then we clapped them on the back and danced with vodka bottles on our heads."
Other felons praised the President's decision. George Finnerty, a real estate maven doing six years for lying the I.R.S. about his income, said that Bush had "given all liars real hope."
Douglas W. Cox, who got ten months for testifying falsely about the ownership of five vending machines, prayed for Bush's forgiveness but was pessimistic. "I didn't come close to obstructing a Federal investigation of crime at the very highest levels of government," said Cox, shaking his head. "I don't think I qualify for the Libby treatment."
For her part, Lady Justice was happy to hear about President Bush's actions. "I'm so glad I'm not completely blind," she said.
"Judges and panels of judges routinely review excessive sentence claims throughout the land," said Bush, " but the Libby case has made me see that our exhaustive system of appellate review is flawed."
The judge in the Libby case followed strict federal guidelines written by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission, which labored for years to write an exacting code that was designed to ensure that all felons were treated equally. "What the guidelines do not take into account," said Bush, "is that some felons are more equal than others."
"These so-called 'guidelines' do not give adequate guidance to judges in certain cases," Bush said. His voice quavered as he added, "Some people -- for instance, rich and the powerful Republicans who, through no mistake of their own, are accidentally caught breaking the law -- sometimes do not receive proper treatment." Bush was then too overcome by emotion to continue with his statement. He retired to his residence on Kennebunkport to swill beer with President Putin, who agreed with the President's actions.
"In my country when pipples lied to the State, we tortured them," the former head of the KGB said, "except when they were fellow KGB. Then we clapped them on the back and danced with vodka bottles on our heads."
Other felons praised the President's decision. George Finnerty, a real estate maven doing six years for lying the I.R.S. about his income, said that Bush had "given all liars real hope."
Douglas W. Cox, who got ten months for testifying falsely about the ownership of five vending machines, prayed for Bush's forgiveness but was pessimistic. "I didn't come close to obstructing a Federal investigation of crime at the very highest levels of government," said Cox, shaking his head. "I don't think I qualify for the Libby treatment."
For her part, Lady Justice was happy to hear about President Bush's actions. "I'm so glad I'm not completely blind," she said.
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